What is Reassurance Seeking in OCD?
If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), you might constantly ask for reassurance to ease your anxiety. This could look like repeatedly asking your partner, “Are you sure everything’s okay between us?” or seeking constant confirmation that you’re not sick, unsafe, or making a wrong decision. While reassurance seeking may seem like the only way to calm down in the moment, it often leads to more doubt, anxiety, and an endless cycle of needing validation.
Here’s a typical example:
You ask a loved one, “Is everything okay?” They respond, “Yes, everything’s fine.” For a moment, you feel relieved. But soon, doubts creep in: “She’s just saying that. She doesn’t really mean it.” So, you ask again, “Are you sure everything is okay?” They answer again, but now your thoughts race: “What if they’re lying? What if I missed something? They’re probably hiding the truth from me.”
The more you ask, the more uncertain you feel. What started as a moment of relief turns into a flood of more doubts, pulling you deeper into the need for reassurance.
Why Does Reassurance Feel Helpful?
Reassurance gives you temporary comfort. When anxiety hits, having someone confirm that your fears are unfounded can calm you down in the moment. You feel like you’ve found a solution, and for a brief period, the worry fades. But the problem is, that relief doesn’t last. Soon after, the same doubts come back, and you feel like you need to ask again to be really sure. Over time, this cycle becomes exhausting and makes you feel more dependent on reassurance to manage your anxiety.
The Problems with Reassurance Seeking
While reassurance feels helpful at first, it can actually make OCD worse. Here’s why:
1. It Reinforces the OCD Cycle
Each time you ask for reassurance, you’re teaching your brain that reassurance is the only way to reduce your anxiety. This strengthens the connection between your obsessions (the fears and doubts) and compulsions (the need to ask). So, the next time anxiety arises, you feel an even stronger urge to seek reassurance. Instead of breaking the cycle, it makes it harder to stop.
2. It Increases Doubt
Reassurance might calm you temporarily, but it often fuels even more doubts afterward. You start questioning the answers you get: “What if they’re just saying that to make me feel better? What if they missed something?” This leads to a constant need for more reassurance, making you feel less confident in your ability to handle anxiety on your own.
3. It Creates Dependence on Others
Reassurance seeking can lead to over-reliance on others—whether it’s your partner, friends, or family members—to soothe your anxiety. Over time, this dependence can put a strain on relationships, as you may ask for validation more frequently. It also stops you from building your own internal coping skills to handle uncertainty.
4. It Blocks Long-Term Recovery
Reassurance seeking prevents you from learning to tolerate uncertainty—an essential skill in managing OCD. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and especially in a method called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), the goal is to face your fears and resist compulsions like reassurance seeking. When you keep asking for reassurance, you miss the opportunity to build resilience and practice managing anxiety on your own.
How to Break the Reassurance Seeking Cycle
Breaking free from reassurance seeking takes time and practice, but it’s possible. Here are some key strategies to help:
1. Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
ERP is one of the most effective treatments for OCD. In ERP, you gradually expose yourself to the situations or thoughts that trigger your anxiety and resist the urge to seek reassurance. For example, if you feel the need to ask someone if they’re upset with you, ERP would encourage you to resist asking, even though it’s uncomfortable. Over time, this helps you build tolerance for uncertainty and reduces the power that OCD has over you.
2. Embrace Uncertainty
Learning to live with uncertainty is a crucial step in overcoming reassurance seeking. Instead of trying to eliminate every doubt, practice sitting with those uncomfortable feelings. When you catch yourself wanting to ask, “Are you sure everything’s okay?” try responding to yourself with, “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I don’t need to be 100% sure right now.” While this can feel uncomfortable at first, it helps you break the cycle of needing constant validation.
3. Develop Self-Reassurance
Instead of relying on others to reassure you, start developing internal coping strategies. You can use self-reassurance by telling yourself things like, “I can handle this feeling of uncertainty,” or “I don’t need to know for sure right now.” This helps you build confidence in managing your anxiety without external validation.
4. Limit Reassurance from Others
If you find yourself asking the same questions over and over, it’s important to set boundaries with the people around you. Let them know that you're working on reducing reassurance seeking and ask for their support in gently reminding you when you're asking for reassurance. This can help both you and your loved ones feel more empowered to break the cycle together.
Reassurance seeking may feel like a way to calm your OCD-related anxiety, but it often makes things worse in the long run. It strengthens the OCD cycle, increases doubt, and creates dependence on others. By using techniques like ERP, embracing uncertainty, and developing self-reassurance, you can begin to break free from this pattern and manage your anxiety more effectively.
If you’re struggling with reassurance seeking, consider working with a therapist who specialises in OCD and CBT. With the right support, you can learn how to tolerate uncertainty and reduce your need for reassurance, taking important steps toward long-term relief and recovery.
Change takes time, but small steps - like resisting the urge to ask for reassurance - can make a big difference in managing OCD. It’s not about eliminating every doubt but learning to live with uncertainty and trust your ability to handle it.
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